


five

by Carofine



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Second Person, i wrote this. a year ago and forgot about it but i found it so! teehee!, its one of those Iconic Moments but from Sasukes Perspective fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 11:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12232311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carofine/pseuds/Carofine
Summary: five years is a long time.





	five

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this like. a year ago and then forgot about it and wow 14 year old me was a pretty nice writer so. anyways yeah uh....wow its been almost 3 years since naruto ended on chapter 698 can you, as naruto once said, believe it? 
> 
> my naruto phase never really went away but its been back full force recently in the past week and i was going through google drive and founndddd this and was like wow! this is pretty sweet i'll post it

_one._

 

You're tired more often than not.  It's hard work here.  But you knew that coming here, right?  You knew you were leaving everything behind.  Leaving _him_ behind.  He should be gone.  Out of sight out of mind.  Dust and ashes between your nimble fingers.  He might as well be dead for all you care.  The thin string connecting you _should_ be hanging limp from both of your hands. 

But where you expected a thin red piece of embroidery string is an intricate metal chain dyed red with your blood and his blood and all the blood should be from the chain because it should be broken and bleeding.  But it's not.

You can't find a saw strong enough to cut through.

 

_two._

There's a dent in your heart.   _He_ left it there.  Decided he had the right to go ahead and mark you so you'll always be his.  His his his his.  But then he is yours, isn't he?  You hope so.  Out of sight out of mind has proven to be a lie for you, but what if it holds true for him?  

You miss him.  You miss him like someone misses oxygen when they are held under a river.  You don't miss him in a way that can be easily fixed, replaced with enough tomatoes and emptiness.  Daresay you that you _need_ him, like a physical thing.  You _wish_ you could feel empty.  You wish you felt the way you act, not caring, because emotions were for idiots and did nothing but tie you down so you couldn't swim up for air as the basin filled with water.  But he's always there; filling up your heart and your head and your dreams.  

This wasn't supposed to happen!  It wasn't supposed to be this hard, wasn't supposed to feel like you were broken, like a part of you was missing. It wasn't supposed to be like a cliche love story that teenage girls read and swoon over.  He was supposed to be gone!  You were meant to clip the string with one single and final _snip_.  But all you've got is a tiny dent in the link, about as thick as your fingernails.  

But there are times when you're so glad you can feel _something_ .  You _know_ it makes you weak and you _know_ that if you want to succeed you have to stop feeling stop caring stop hurting… But sometimes when you think about him and you _feel_ things you feel…

...safe.

 

_three._

 

He's gotten taller.

It's the first thing you can think when you see him again.  Three years.  It's been three years, and suddenly he's just… Here.  And he's taller.  

He's so far away.

It's the second thing to pop up in your mind - like the person in second place who was so close to first it was a photo finish.  How far away he is.  You know that compared to how far he's been for the past few years he's closer than ever, but suddenly the distance is stretching on for miles and miles and light years (which measure distance not time _thankyouverymuch_ ) and you can see the red chain slack between you and you wonder if his body temperature is still unusually high so that you feel like you're surrounded by fire when you touch him, bump shoulders with him, punch him in the face.  And you've gotten so good at hiding things since that fateful day six years ago, so talented at shoving them into the closet and under your bed.  But it's always been like this hasn't it?  He always comes into your mind and drags every single hidden, secret, terrible thing out from the crevices and lays it bare on the carpet.  

You don't think about it, and you're sure your face is carved from stone and still, but suddenly you're moving and your hand is on his shoulder and _he's so hot and warm_ and you say something, acting as if this was all part of some bigger plan.  You don't make mistakes.  You don't.  

You say you didn't kill him on a whim.  That's all.  You say you're going to kill him now, that you don't care, that he's an idiot for chasing after someone long gone.  But you're good at pretending, at hiding the truth under your bed, at lying.  You lie and lie and lie.  You draw your sword, and you swear to God you're going to do it.  You're going to kill him and you'll be free.  The chain can't link you to anything if you destroy the very thing the other end is attached to right?

In the end you don't do it.  You can't do it.  You don't want to do it.

You care.  You still care so so so much.

You wish with every particle of your pathetic being that you didn't.

 

_four._

 

You can barely see.  But oh God can you feel.  You feel as if you haven't felt in years, and in a way you haven't.

Kakashi might be saying something, and you can barely make out the pink silhouette of Sakura's head, even though it's mere inches away from your face.  Your hand is on her throat and you can't wait to kill her.  You don't care about her, about Kakashi, about the village that ruined your brother's existence and slaughtered your family.  And this time it's not a lie.  It's one of the truest thoughts you've ever had.  You want to bring the village to its knees, want it to claw at your thighs and beg for forgiveness.  And you'll kick them off and stomp on them and it will feel so _wonderful_ and you can just taste it now.  Your heart is pounding faster and faster bam bam bambambam.  But it's out of excitement.  You're fucking elated.  They deserve it.  Every last one of them deserves to repent.

And then _he's_ here.

He swoops in, an orange and maybeslightlyyellow blur in your fading vision, And Sakura's throat isn't in your hand and you're too slow too slow _not fast enough_.  

He's always been faster than you and you hate him for it.  You hate it.  Not him.  You can't seem to hate him no matter how fucking hard you try.  You hate Sakura.  You hate Kakashi.  You hate Danzo, whose death still lingers in your mind as triumphant as the protagonist at the end of a thrilling saga.  You hate the village that massacred your family, blood on blood _from_ blood on the floor.  You're certain you hate them.  You hate them so much that if you could you'd just forget about them.  You think being able to forget something shows that you absolutely don't care for it enough to remember it.

But you remember arguments and unspoken challenges and insults that at some point morphed into nicknames and you remember the exact way his eyes looked at sunset when you had been on an overnight mission with him; clear crystalline blue and pinks and purples reflecting from the sky as if his eyes were a mirror pool.  You remember the feeling of his fist connecting with your face, the way it reverberated through your whole body when you kicked him in the shin in retaliation.  You can hear his voice and you can feel the absolute agony you felt when you left him four years ago.  The way every part of your body screamed like a thousand furious children for you to _stop stop stop stop_ and _maybemaybemaybe you should stay_ .  You didn't listen, but you _remember_ feeling it all like a physical thing, like half your body was being ripped off and cast aside.  You remember the agony and maybe you still feel it.

"Sakura's from Team Seven, remember?" He says, and you can't help but grin at how idiotic and _trusting_ he is.  You don't care about Sakura.  Did he not see that you were just about to kill her?  But it's fine if she lives.  That's how little she matters.

You don't care about her, and you mean it.  Kakashi tells him that you're no longer who you once were, and hearing him say that gives you hope that maybe it's true.  You're completely different, and there's no remnants of blond hair and stupid arguments in the back of your mind.

You tighten when he says he knows the truth about your brother, your entire body gaining a new kind of rigidness. Here it comes.  He's going to finally realize that you're too far gone.  You're too _slow slow slow_.  That's great because it means it will be easier for you to forget.  And forget what?  You don't even know what you're trying to forget, that's how little you care about-

"I get it."

Bullshit! Liar liar liar _liar._ He can't understand, because if he does then you're going to remember him forever and ever and ever. And you _know_ he can't.  He doesn't know what it's like to lose everything.  

You tell him what you plan to do, because maybe then he'll realize he needs to leave you alone and stop _reminding_ you of _everything_.  The more you talk about it the more wonderful it sounds.  You feel like you're floating, the sheer elation the idea brings you.  Crushing the village, destroying all evidence somebody who slaughtered your family even existed.  Destroying evidence your family existed, so that they can rest without people slandering their names anymore.  Destroying the fact that he exists. A piece of paper ripped into tiny bits that look like confetti and then ground into dust.  Destroyed.

You can do it.  You can kill him. You think the thought and suddenly feel the air crackling with familiar electricity.  You can do it.  You don't care you don't care you don't care.  You can forget!  

Isn't there a saying that if you tell yourself a lie enough times, you start to believe it?

Kakashi steps forward, and pushes Naruto back. He's saying something, and blocking Naruto.

"You're going to kill Sasuke?" Naruto shouts, eyebrows drawn together like a bow drawn about to fire.  And you almost want to laugh, or sob, or both, because _you're_ going to kill _him._

It's sudden, but he makes clones that pull Kakashi back, and he runs at you, a familiar yellow spinning ball in his hand, and you can feel your feet propelling you forward as well, and you can do it this time.  You _know_ you can.  You can kill him.  You can wipe the slate clean with a wet rag, chalk clinging to the fabric.  

Your hands meet and you push push push because you can do it you _havetofuckingdoit._

You have the fleeting thought that you wish you weren't going blind at this moment in time because you can't really make out his face, and you've started to forget all the little details, like how his eyelashes are a slightly darker shade of honey than the hair on his head, and how he has a single defined dimple on his right cheek whenever he smiles.  

No.  You want to forget.

You're in an empty space all of a sudden.  Empty except for you and him.

"Remember?" He starts and of course you remember, that's the _problem._ "The entire village used to hate me 'cause I have the nine tails inside of me."  You know this.  You _remember_ .  You don't want to talk about your childhoods, you just want to spear your hand through his chest and have it _stay_ wounded and bleeding this time.  You really want that.  You swear.

"And I hated them right back." He says and you freeze, because he keeps saying he understands and you keep believing him and you don't want him to understand more.  "I wanted revenge." He's still talking and maybe if you just look and act like you're not listening, you won't.  "One bad move, and I could've ended up like you."

You're glad he didn't.

"I used to think I didn't have bonds with anyone until I met you and Iruka." He says, and you hate that he's reminding you of the red chain tied around your wrist, around your waist, around your heart.  Every word he speaks tugs at it.  "I always knew you were alone too." _Too._ Together.  Both of you, sharing something; the word 'too.'

"I felt better knowing there was someone like me out there, and so I wanted to reach out to you,"  You _never_ felt the same.  "But I didn't because… I was jealous of you." You don't understand what you had to be jealous of.  It was the other way around.  You had been jealous of-

"You were so good at everything!  You were my rival." You remember trying to finish dinner faster than the other, trying to climb a tree before the other.  You remember him leaving you in his dust, better and better, faster and faster, and you stayed there, slow slow slow.  You remember wanting to leave him behind so desperately, only to want to do nothing but that when you had the opportunity. 

"You were my goal."

You hate him.

"I wanted to become strong like you."

You were always weak.

"I wanted to become cool like you."

You were always losing.

"I'm happy I knew you!" He says, and you can faintly make out him sporting what must be a grin but you _can't see the fucking dimple._

"Naruto!" You say his name, and you can remember the exact feeling the sounds have as the roll off your tongue, and it feels so familiar, and a part of you wants to say it over and over again and you say it now because this might be your last chance.  "No matter what you say, I'm not changing!" Maybe if you can convince him you can convince yourself _._ "I'm still going to kill every person in Konoha," it's a truth. "Including you!" Two words turn you into a dirty liar.  "So your only choices are to kill me and live on as a hero, or let me kill you." Part of you wishes he'd kill you.  Then you're sure you'd forget.  But you don't want to betray your clan.  You don't want to tear down your family.  You want to still be standing amongst the rubble.

The world fades, and suddenly you're being flung towards the cliffside.  White Zetsu is there to cushion your fall, and _he's_ coming towards you.  He says something about if you ever fight you'll both die and part of you would be okay with that, and your fading vision cant make out his face or his scars or his _fucking freckles_ and then-

"I'll bear the burden of your hate and die with you!" He says.  And you can't see him with your eyes, yes, but you can see him perfectly in your head.  The way his blue eyes are still twinkling despite yours being dull as dirt and you don't understand.  You don't think you ever can.  You wish he wouldn't throw his life away for you.  Just because your life was destined to be hell didn't mean his had to as well.  He'd always had what you couldn't.  He'd always had some kind of hope.  You're stranded but you can't send an SOS.   _(Even though you want to)_ . And maybe if you followed the red chain you could find your way but its corroded and weakening and part of you thinks _thankgod_ but the rest of you doesn't want to lose the only thing you have anchoring you anymore.  

Why does he do this for you? Why does he still care?  You're beyond loving.  You're not worth it.  You're _different_.  Why why why why why why-

"Why?  Why do you go so far for me?" It suddenly spills out of his mouth before he can stop it.

"Because I'm your friend." He replies.  And you realize suddenly something that you've known subconsciously for a long time.  Since you were 12 and put on the same team as him.  Since you were 9 and alone but so was he and it somehow made you feel a little better.  

You're in love with him.  

You hate it, how strong this chain connecting you to him is.  But it's there, and you can't break it.  You don't just love _him_ .  You're _in_ love.

And you hate it.

(But you love it)

 

_five_

 

You've lost.  You can't help but smile as the words fall from your lips.  "I lost." It's so freeing.  You're done fighting him, done fighting it.  You love him.  You love him so much and you would do anything for him and it feels so good to finally admit it.  And he loves you back.  You know he does.  You can't seem to fathom _why_ or _how_ but god he does.  You're so intertwined and connected in this moment, that you can hear his thoughts in a strange kind of way.  Or maybe it isn't that strange since isn't that what happened the last time you fought each other?  But you can hear it, you can see his memories and you think he can see yours.  And normally that'd terrify you.  Normally you wouldn't want him to see how much _ohgodhowmuch_ he means to you, how your love for him is all-consuming.

But you've lost.

And suddenly it isn't scary at all.  

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos and comments!  
> if you liked this consider commissioning me? --> http://crying-korean.tumblr.com/post/166499063540/crying-korean-im-so-sorry-for-the-bad-image


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